Tuesday, June 30, 2009 1:10 PM
Decided to remove my previous entry... dun ask me y... think is juz a passing phrase that i had 30 minutes ago! I'm Okie dorkie now...
Was reading my secondary school senior's blog and this is what she wrote in her latest entry...
"There was also a conversation going on about relationships, and while we agreed on wanting to make it last, someone said, "But sometimes, things just happen." I beg to differ, becos i dun think things just happen; we ALLOW ourselves to be in a situation that causes it to happen. Everything is a choice. Simple as that. "Quoted by my sec sch senior.
How true is that? Guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion... juz like i am entitled to mine! No one can be e pure angel and no one can be e ultimate devil... Everyone has both of each inside. The problem is... which sides are u leaning more to?! One can onli decide for themselves!
Everything is a choice. now my problem is... had i made mine?! Perhaps i already did... :)
12:17 AM
Juz got home from a last minute meet-up with a poly fren!! But this time is different from my previous meet-ups with pals where frenz been meeting me to help me through this tough period.. this time round is i am lending a listening ear to my fren's relationship problem! Find it kinda of ironic where i can't even handle my own problem and here, i am trying to help others...
after toking to him... i was once again sent in dilemma abt my situation. i am askin myself whether am i making the right decision? what am i capable of? what are my limits? At times i tot i noe myself... but there are times i juz totally dunno myself. it is scary!! realli scary as is like losing urself to urself!! Err does it make sense? haha perhaps it dun ba coz i also dun realli noe what i am trying to say... words seem to fail me terribly now!
i see myself in his situation... so honestly i also dunno how to help him or her! juz like i dunno how to help myself... or him...
perhaps what we all need is time... Let time tells... break free from this dilemma...
Monday, June 29, 2009 11:32 AM
My current favourite line and i think will go on till jovan pops out is...
I am not pregnant! I am only fat!!Perhaps after Jovan comes out, then i can shout out tat i am REALLI FAT! Lolz... i can't believe now i am 6 mths preggy and my weight is onli 56kg which means i onli add aout 4 kg since my 1st month! i still can wear some of my normal clothes, hide my tummy with L or XL size shirts and worse... can't get any seats on MRT and bus rides! i can stand the whole journey in front of the priority seat and no one gives up their place to me despite i keep touching my inflated tummy. Though i choose to believe tat my tummy is too small to be tot as pregnant, part of me nags that they are juz plain selfish singaporeans.
Spent the weekends at wee's place and did many fun things such as researching for pretty clothes to sell on our still-in-e-making blogshop, late night mac cravings, Xiao ben's "intrusion" with his Underworld: the rise of the lycans DVD and our first ever fruit tart baking session. Suprisingly, the outcome of the fruit tarts is pleasing! edible and looks nice!! EVIL LUFF... but u wun wan to noe how the progress is done.
Some pictures for sharing...
Strawberry Tarts....
The bakers... lolz....
Apricot Fruit tarts!! we wanted to make peach fruit tart but took the wrong can at the NTUC! sighz.. careless us!! Nevertheless, e tarts are still yummy!
Our guinea pig...
The whole gang!!! poly besties...
Sighz wanted to take some fruit tarts back for my family to try but forgot!! oops... pregnant woman have smaller brain ah! LOLZ... absense-minded! :p
oh did i mention i had nosebled a few days ago!!?? wuhaha nothing scary but juz i din have nosebled for i dunno when!! donkey yrs ago ba! seeing blood coming out from my nose startled me a bit but guessed i was more amused! ended up sitting on the toilet bowl with a tissue up my nosetrails and soon i fell zzzz... LOLZ! dunno how long i zzz in the toilet but when i woke up, the bleedin stop! SIMPLY AMUSED... and come to think i am still a qualified first aider! major sweats...
Was clearing my hotmail acc of unwanted mails when i came across some mails from some old pals that i lost contact for years! okie.. maybe at most 2 yrs ba!! i am not saying 10 years ago ah! LOLZ! decided to give them a greeting email to see how they are doing and well well well.. got a few replies back! it feels gd to be in touch with old pals once again especially at this difficult time of my life. I had lost so much but i believe there are much more to gain... juz onli i can't really see it now!
Thanks to a fren tat called all the way from overseas to check how i am doing!! Thanks for the encouragement and i will always rem the story of how life can be so unpredictable! :)
I MUST JIA YOU!!!!!!!! MOVE ON!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, June 25, 2009 1:56 PM
Things are picking up for me... slowly get myself on track!! At least i am able to zzz and eat... keeping my mind on the positive track! i juz have to take baby steps to pull myself up! Though is hard, that is the onli way out! Trying to cast away sad and angry tots coz i noe with such emotions i can nv move on! One can onli truely move on is through a forgiving heart! :) So.. may GOD's wisdom and strength be upon me!
Was on MSN with Yaya!! She had been a great support to me.. not onli her.. but her whole family!! They were there in the darkest times of my live...along with a bunch of supportive frenz! LOLZ.. this is what she wrote on msn:
got a lot of helpdesk
9******6 - duckie land helpline
9******7 - Monkey hanging on the tree helpline
9******1 - Kitty after the furballs helpline
9******4 - Bat your life helpline
see... so many...
HAHA... my animal help hotline.. winks...
Thanks everyone...
Wednesday, June 24, 2009 10:38 PM
Reading her latest blog entry...
Felt hurt...
Perhaps i will never understand how she feel but nv i had the intentions to make her feel tat way...
i dun view myself the way people view about me...
I am juz a ger trying to grow up...
5:52 PM
Long day out! juz got home! Feeling tired... both physically and mentally! Been out since 9 am this morning... went so many places in one day! Wuhahaha one thing about having a car... no hustle in travelling!
Visited my fren's child care centre at UBI Starhub Green! Intended to give the place a simple tour but ended up to be a potential customer of the child care! LOLZ... honestly i dun mind placing Jovan at my fren's child care if the centre not so out of the way! from my east side home, i have to take a MRT to eunos, then change to bus number 63 and walked over to Starhub Green. So troublesome wor!! Nway... the kids at the centre are SUPER adorable!! there is this 3 mths old infant call Tom that juz completely melt my heart! though his parents are not japanese, he looks jap!!! When i went over to his baby cot, he was already awake. Upon seeing me, he tried to lifted his head up but guess he doesn't enough strength to do so, hence ended up juz lying face flat on his mattress! GOSH... cute! If onli Jovan will be as cute as Tom or better... even cuter! wow wow.... 3.5 mths more to go.... ah ah....
From the child care, accompanied my fren to some factory at ubi area to get his laminating machine repaired and ended up at the BMW outlet making enquires about BW convertible. How can pple tok until buying a car appears to be buying vegetables at the wet market?! Perhaps such toks are for the rich! People like me are better off bargaining the price of vegetables! LOLZ....
Next off to Ikea and Giant at Tampines area! Did some baby cot, mattress, chair etc research in preparation for jovan's arrival. Onli left 3 mths to his arrival... i have yet to register for my pre-natal classes and shop for baby necessities. Suddenly feel timing is running short... feeling the pressure!
Last stop for the day is Tampines 1! got a baby pig squeakie toy! lolz... when squeezed, it will make a gentle shrieking sound! according to my fren, it is to train up new born to be alert to sounds! kinda of cool... went to kiddy palace to look look and never expected to go out with a set of Moo Moo clothes for Jovan and a membership card! bought a top, long pants, cape, mittens and booties tat have baby cows pic on them! simply adorable... :)
As i was doing all those shopping, i juz hope he was with me but guess it was juz hopeless wishing on my side... no matter what, i have to gather my tots and move forward. Life still goes on... and with GOD's will, i shall journey on! :)
Tuesday, June 23, 2009 2:49 PM
Been at the lowest point of my 25 years old... Lost my main support that i tot i could depend on... now i am so afraid to be alone or do anything that reminds me of him... Trying hard to find a direction in life! even if find a direction, it will so hard to pull myself up BUT yes... i must do it.. need time but i will do it..
First ray of light... hope.... in believing i can achieve things! my examz results are out and i got B+ for all which caught me by surprise! a pleasant surprise where i tot i will fail some modules! I had to resit my accounting paper as i missed the paper due to my morning sickness conditions! tink i will start studying now... lolz... since i now very free!
Hope GOD will help me thru this tough time... i am blessed with many supportive frenz and i must not let them down!
i shall commit each day to GOD and guide me thru... hope one day i will see the light once again... :)
Wednesday, June 17, 2009 5:52 PM
it is a freaking hot day and despite sitting in an air-con room, i am still perspiring like hell!!! The dry and hot weather had been giving me some dizzy spells which is kind of irritating! Perhaps also due to the fact preggy woman have diluted blood vessels in their lower body so brain lack of blood! aiyah... either way, the dizzy spells are getting on my nerves.
Feel like zzz-ing but fear of zzz-ing too much in the afternoon will give me zzz-less nights! sigh... tryin to find a balance, strength, determination and confidence to get out of this situation!! may GOD help me... give me the faith to pull thru!
Thanks HOPE! showered me with the attention and help... from endless toks to meeting ups to getting information to aid me make the best decision in this life crisis of mine. i am realli grateful and the onli way i can repay them is for myself to be strong... be that little MISS INDEPENDENT that i used to be.
Thanks to my twinnie for finding some useful articles that i can relate to!!! will read and analyze... i have to say... some of the researches are pretty interesting!!! being a dumb dumb like me have to read a few times to catch what it means! i guess coz they are psychological articles hence more difficult to understand.... hmmm...
My dependency is causing a strain in someone i love dearly and i am very sad that it had contributed to the tear of the r/s! i hurt him, myself and our little thing. realli hope to make things right... and be rationale!! choices are what i have to do... hard as they are, i cannot avoid! for the best or for the worse, i must not dwell on negativity but focus on what i can do to save the situation and i guess it starts from within. i have to be strong enough for myself so i can be strong for others...
Juz now received a shocking and sad news from a church fren. It is very disheartening to hear such a shocking news and being at the crossroads of my life, i feel more! my heart goes out to the couple and my sincere prayers for them. life is so precious... i hate myself to even tink of hurting such a precious thing... i realli do...
Sighz at this very moment... i am fighting with myself... an internal battle that there is no win.. onli loses awaits...
To HIM: Stay Strong... like i am trying to be....
11:02 AM
No matter what i choose will be hard...
Pondering and thinking... thinking and pondering...
Is a never ending cycle...
Monday, June 15, 2009 11:45 AM
Missing is an emotion that i cannot help...
It sucks to the core...
It had become a physical pain...
Can't breathe nor focus...
I miss westside home...
I miss the 2 doggies... MoMo and Sparky
Yes... I miss him too...
It sucks... realli sucks...
Saturday, June 13, 2009 7:45 PM
Back at the comfort of my eastside home... though it wasn't the way i wanna go back home, i am glad that i am surrounded by solid support and familiar faces. People i noe that wun hurt me... and able to protect me from the storm.
I kept thinking.. is this the end of the road!? Honestly i dunno what to do, how to feel or which direction to go! No matter which path i choose appears to be gloomy and being at the end of my wits, i no longer have the courage or strength to walk this journey.
As i was standing there... my life spinning out of control and head ain't functioning in the right way, i seems so easy to end everything. It din seem that scary all the way down but once i regain conscious, i wonder what am i doing!! I can onli say i was too of a coward by choosing the easy way out.
I tried to rest my head... catch some zzz but can't... tired but can't zzz! i doubt tonight i will be able to zzz as well! keep thinking... pondering...
No solutions still... clueless...
I am no one's zhu zhu... i am no one's princess.... i am juz me... a mother-2-be to a handsome baby boy! :)
A simple mum wif sweet memories of two cute dogs that played an important role in my life for the past 4 months...
A simple mum that is used to bathe in cold showers...
A simple mum that wash dishes with the tap running at minimum water flow...
A simple mum that remembers to off the main switch of applicances...
Juz a simple person who hopes to be strong for all e right purposes but how to do it... i simply dunno...
Thursday, June 11, 2009 3:20 PM
OMG... i gained about 3 - 4 kg le!! my previous weight-taking showed that i am abt 52 kg and now i weigh 56 kg! LOLZ!! Dunno whether is it accurate coz i'm using an old weight machine! and it is also not digital! nvm nvm... i shall find out how much i gain on sat which is my next medical checkup! :)
While i gained 3 kg... he lost 3 kg!! all thanks to his no-dinner-diet plan and his weekly run after work... i can't wait to resume back my jogging after Jovan has popped out! LOLZ... determined to get myself back in shape asap and i am thinking of getting a tattoo! lolz... i had been saying so such a long time but din get it coz of the disapproval from my mum!! But now... dun care liao la... i juz wanna go ahead and do it...
PS: Praying for minimum or NO stretch marks...
Wednesday, June 10, 2009 1:05 PM
Everything started out in a lazy manner!!!
woke up at 10.05 am, all thanks to MoMo's super kick on my back and his mum's "king-ting-ding-dong" in the kitchen! was greeted with MoMo's watery kiss on my cheeks and Sparky's lazy stare from the edge of my bed!! sighz Tot of lazing in bed till 11 am plus.. best to noon where half a day is gone and i dun haf to bother tat much of what to do for the day! Life seems monotonous... who say pregnancy is exciting!!?? Y is my progress BORING!!! well... things will be worse without Momo and Sparky!!! LOLZ... my daily bullying targets...
His mum cooked lunch and dinner tog... okie food settled! no need to bother about what to fill my tummy with! lazy to think! But when i looked at the food... dun realli have the appetite for it! Plz dun get me wrong.. his mum is a great cook... juz onli that the food dun appeal to me! ate a little then went down to get roti prata! evil luff.... sinful food...
Today is my sis's official first day at my fren's ubi child care centre!! :) She is working as a teacher-assistant!! cool right??! she sms-ed me in the morn juz before work but being a pig me din feel my hp vibrate! oops.. too many layers of fats! hope today will go well for her!!! Wuhahaha i am training her up to help me babysit Jovan when i need some time off... it sounds like a great plan right?!! :p excited for her... but seriously i tink my fren little cheapskate la! 5 bucks per hr.. from 830 am to 530 pm!! tot the hrly rate could be higher... but nvm la... better than none!
feeling kind of restless... lazy... irritable... i tink shd be the weather!?? Freaking daily hot weather of 30 degrees celsius and above!! last sat it went up to 33 degrees celsius! okie perhaps to some pple is no big deal.. but i am practically a roasted pig at westside home!! even the 2 dogs pant like hell... i wan rain rain!! best is thunderstorm...
Dunno y.. i always feel like zzz!!! i can zzz from 9 pm at night to next day 10 am... and still have afternoon naps!! is this what pregnant woman do?!! zzz zzz like there's no tml!? i know they get fatigue very easily.. but din noe is tat easy!! even as i am blogging this entry... i am yawning... sweats...
*Looking down at my chair*
MoMo snoring away liao... Sparky shd be nappin outside the study room ba... lazy to go spy on her..
is a lazy and hot wednesday...
i am freaking bored...
Monday, June 8, 2009 2:41 PM
Guess i am realli bored to the core... or perhaps i am getting old?!! err...
Kept looking at old pictures (well.. some are onli a few mths old la!!) and scanning through uploaded pictures on photobucket...
Found some randon pictures and since i am freaking free... juz uploaded and post them... :)
My pretty girl... Momo... wuhaha with her ears flipped the other way...
My cousin Michelle and I... on our way to visit our ah ma during this yr's CNY! :)
My name in the snow... on one of the icy snowy mountain in France... though i never been to france!! >_<
My pal.. IS!! wif my name... duh... lolz...
My sis and i!!! hahaha... i'm actualli holding a bouquet of roses!! can u see it??
Okie.. a better pic... me and the roses!! the most beautiful bouquet of roses i ever received...
Poly chalet!! our very own human caterpillar..
Me and ms vinci! lolz... a bday gift from down under australia!!!!
kissy vinci... lolz....
My uni frenz... our first ever chiong night... i miss tat day...
Silkair Batch 61 Training days...
HOPE!! My sisters.. pillar of strength... :)
Wee and i!! sentosa days with frenz... i wanna be tan!!!! ARGH....
Camera-whoring at VIVO City ladies... LOLZ... those were the days...
My all time favourite root beer float... had it at Batam!! Y sin dun have A&W??!! tell me why...
LOLZ... tat's all folks... :)
1:04 PM
Been thinking a lot... from the moment i open my eyes in the morning till i manage to coax myself to zzz at night... my mind juz seem to float back to unhappy stuff!! my uncertain future! i juz hope i can pull myself together soon! i hate what i had become... i detest the weakling i am now... Torturing myself and torturing him...
Slowly accepting the fact of not settling down... slowly accepting the fact that i wun be wearing a wedding ring... but at least he wants the child! Giving me his words to take care of us.. perhaps is the biggest comfort now... a roof over our heads may be the most practical thing now.
Now.. what i look forward to are off and on outings with frenz and visits back to my east side home! Trying to pack my days with activities so i wun feel tat i am alone... and i feel i'm very blessed with frenz all out to help me pull through this rough times!!! When i am at westside home, there are 2 lovely doggies to accompany me!! Doing funny tricks to keep me entertain... though juz ytday they gave me a fright of my life! They fought in the name of FOOD! Sigh is all my fault.. i should not anyhow throwing the biscuit for them to catch and they ended up fighting coz they both deemed the biscuit is theirs!! shit... Being the weaker one, Momo suffered a cut on her ear while Sparkle had a good spanking!! i am feeling guilty like hell... cried again... sighz...
Wee, Vonnie and Ben... i wan chalet!!! over night chalet also can... i dun care liao!! I believe Jovan will love it... adventures even he is born! evil luff... :) juz have to bear with my slow and clumsy movements... lolz....
I am wishing for better days ahead... Can GOD grant me this wish?! >_<
Friday, June 5, 2009 12:50 PM
My head juz seems like it is going to explode soon.. can't think of anything except strangling him till he suffocate to death! Yes i know he is clueless like a headless irritating housefly but yet i can't help myself to think tat he is juz another selfish bastard.
No matter how nice he put it across to me... or how helpless he appear in front of me... it cannot change the fact that he is being selfish! From day one, he gave me hope! Paint pictures of lies... till now his promises and lies juz caught up with him! my question is.. y regret now?! we could have juz ended it during the first 3 mths and lesser people are involved!?? Now... so many things to worry.. so many people involved... perhaps he is juz out to destroy my life!
Time is he need.. but doesn't he noe time is running out for me! He took so much time away from me to do things for myself and now he is still asking for time?! He juz could not give up his freedom... or be a dad!! Not ready means not ready so i hope he stop his self-pitying campaign. Maybe he hopes he juz deemed himself as irresponsible and can juz wipe his butt and leave??!! what the hell...
The more i read about all those baby bonus etc that my kid will be deprived off... the more frustrated i feel. The tot of what a single mum is supposed to face in the future... deprive of her own rightful benefits.. i juz wan him to disappear from my face...
I realli dunno what to do... i can onli tell myself what rotten luck i have in this life...
To meet such a rotten guy...
But yet he gave me a precious gift... a precious but agonized gift...
The 3 words tat keep floating in my mind..
WHAT THE FUCK....
Thursday, June 4, 2009 5:39 PM
YES!! I finally get my heavy ass down and work on my new blog!!!
I love my new blogskin... very pinky... very baby-mood!
With the start of my new bloggie... I hope my life will also have a new start...
I wanna be Little Miss Sunshine... After those thunderstorms in my life...
Praying...
Wee Wee
